I was recently listening to a Stuff Mom Never Told You podcast about BDSM, and one topic that was discussed was safewords.  Among other things, the presenters characterized safewords as being less important than you might think that they otherwise might be.  That struck a chord with me.  In past experiences with BDSM education, it was always said that safewords were necessary because “no” or “stop” in a scene might not always mean what they mean on the street, depending on the context of the scene.  While this is true, it’s not always the case.

In my own scenes, I typically do not employ a safeword.  The reasoning is simple enough: if a scene is becoming too much, or something needs to be adjusted, we typically just say so.  But because of what I had learned both online and at various events about the necessity of having a safeword, I had always assumed that I was being a bit irresponsible by not having one, even though speaking in plain language instead of using a safeword worked.  With my girlfriend, we speak in plain language about how the other is doing in the scene.  When one of us is gagged, we speak through the gag to communicate.  However, if the top really can’t understand the different variations of “arglbargl” that are produced with the gag, we take the gag out to help facilitate communication.  Using plain language makes enough sense to me, and helps keep a certain playful mood about it, since in the end, it’s really just two people having fun together, and not a theatrical production or anything like that.  If we need to adjust the scene to ensure that everyone keeps having fun, we just say so.

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